Illini Media
WPGU
buzz
Illio
TechnographRazor-sharp Halloween observations
By Scott Nathan Green
Posted: 10/31/07 Section: Opinion Columns
- Page 1 of 3 next >
It's Halloween again, the one night each year when children across America go trick-or-treating, only to have their candy taken away because some crazy person might have loaded it with a razor blade.
I also used to be told not to eat apples or any other fruit, in case they were poisoned. This was unnecessary advice to give a 9-year-old. As Charles Darwin noted in his book "The Origin of Species 2: Gettin' Specieser" (now a major motion picture), rejecting healthy food on Halloween is as natural a human survival instinct as the one that makes old people spend so much time discussing their bowel movements.
The apple houses were bad, but the worst were those yokels who, in lieu of candy, gave out little 8-page illustrated pamphlets trying to sell young children on whichever of the One True Religions they believed in. Question: If you were really doing God's work, then wouldn't He stop all those children, mad about receiving pamphlets instead of candy, from throwing dozens of eggs at your house? Or perhaps His plan is for you to construct a Great Holy Omelet.
My friend Ellen told me about the lousy Halloween tradition observed in her family. Her mother used to make her divide the candy into two equal piles, and while Ellen slept, the "Halloween Fairy" took half in exchange for a gift. "It was usually some crappy coloring book or something," Ellen said.
To see how it has come to this, we should examine the origins of Halloween. Hundreds of years ago, around harvest time, Gaelic communities would celebrate with a great festival at which townspeople would come from across the land to exchange religious pamphlets. The elderly, too dignified and stoic for such trivialities, would sit around talking about recent bowel movements.
Eventually pretty much all the Gaelics (Gaes?) had converted to the ancient and reasonable belief system of Scientology, so there was no longer any need for pamphlets. Instead, they sent their children door-to-door to collect assorted edibles. They would then crack open these foodstuffs and take out the precious razors that had been inserted as a "trick." Razors were not commercially available in those days because they had not yet been invented, so they were quite valuable.
I also used to be told not to eat apples or any other fruit, in case they were poisoned. This was unnecessary advice to give a 9-year-old. As Charles Darwin noted in his book "The Origin of Species 2: Gettin' Specieser" (now a major motion picture), rejecting healthy food on Halloween is as natural a human survival instinct as the one that makes old people spend so much time discussing their bowel movements.
The apple houses were bad, but the worst were those yokels who, in lieu of candy, gave out little 8-page illustrated pamphlets trying to sell young children on whichever of the One True Religions they believed in. Question: If you were really doing God's work, then wouldn't He stop all those children, mad about receiving pamphlets instead of candy, from throwing dozens of eggs at your house? Or perhaps His plan is for you to construct a Great Holy Omelet.
My friend Ellen told me about the lousy Halloween tradition observed in her family. Her mother used to make her divide the candy into two equal piles, and while Ellen slept, the "Halloween Fairy" took half in exchange for a gift. "It was usually some crappy coloring book or something," Ellen said.
To see how it has come to this, we should examine the origins of Halloween. Hundreds of years ago, around harvest time, Gaelic communities would celebrate with a great festival at which townspeople would come from across the land to exchange religious pamphlets. The elderly, too dignified and stoic for such trivialities, would sit around talking about recent bowel movements.
Eventually pretty much all the Gaelics (Gaes?) had converted to the ancient and reasonable belief system of Scientology, so there was no longer any need for pamphlets. Instead, they sent their children door-to-door to collect assorted edibles. They would then crack open these foodstuffs and take out the precious razors that had been inserted as a "trick." Razors were not commercially available in those days because they had not yet been invented, so they were quite valuable.
The Daily Illini encourages on-topic discussion through article commenting on its articles and blogs. It is our policy not to delete any comments based upon political or ideological point of view. However, we reserve the right to remove comments that are abusive, off-topic or use excessive foul language.
The posting of copyrighted material, including any and all content for which you are not the author, is illegal under Federal intellectual property laws. Such activity will not be tolerated. Comments containing copyrighted material will be removed, and continued violation of copyright law is grounds for being banned completely from commenting on DailyIllini.com.
If you feel any post meets these conditions or merits review, please e-mail our editors at meonline@dailyillini.com.
Be the first to comment on this story